Dear Paul and Leisa,
I got a new haircut recently and I really loved it until I got home and my husband couldn’t disguise that he hated it, and now I’m not sure that I’ve done the right thing. Should I go back to the salon and ask them to change it?
WHENEVER a woman — or anyone for that matter — has a radical change of hair colour, style or cut, no matter how successful or flattering it is, there will always be someone who gives them that look that says ‘I’m not sure’.
Usually it’s that girl at work who never likes anything, or maybe a friend — the conservative one who hates change — or Mum, who still hasn’t got over the shock of the tongue piercing or holiday tattoo or the fact you’ve left home 20 years ago.
Occasionally it will be someone you really trust, the friend whose every secret you know and they yours. They won’t tell you outright that they don’t like it as they are too loyal to you to hurt you, but there will be giveaway clues; comments like ‘it’ll take a little getting used to’ or ‘it really brings out the colour in your eyes’’.
And although you may be a little taken aback by the lack of enthusiasm and unbridled excitement at your new look from your lifelong friend, you know each other so long that there will be cocktails and laughs to soften the blow.
Of course we all care about opinions, especially when it is about our appearance.
And when it comes to hair, most men know better than tell their wives, girlfriends, daughters, work colleagues or even complete strangers anything about their hair unless it’s 100% complimentary.
I remember my own father stopping me on my way to the kitchen after school one day, almost blocking my path with a strange look on his face. ‘Your mother is in there, whatever you do don’t mention her hair,’ he said.
And as the door opened, there she was — my own dear mum, barely recognisable with hair that I can only describe as the colour of sofa stuffing and a texture almost similar.
All through dinner and the next few weeks, the big ‘yellow’ elephant in the room seemed to change hue and shape almost daily, until one day, almost without notice – there she was, my old mum with her non-descript mum hair in all its crowning unglory, whizzing around the kitchen as usual, with only a nod from my dad and a wink to acknowledge the return to normality.
It was a lesson learned — only mention the hair when it’s freshly done and fabulous. So when a client returns to the salon after a transformation or a hair colour change with the words ‘he hates my hair’, I’m reminded of those early days but also deeply invested in such a comment.
What type of man, on seeing a partner’s new look — the woman he loves, respects and maybe wants to spend the rest of his life with would actually tell them that they outright hated their hair? Even if it was true – surely a little diplomacy, subtlety or just some old-fashioned manners would at least delay the reaction enough to choose wiser words and kindness.
Of course, men, by nature or some other unexplained reason, do tend to have ‘types’.
The laws of attraction when it comes to hair are pretty basic — ask any man what his type is and he’ll start with colour first. Push it on a bit and they may elaborate a little more to long or short.
In short, men’s ideas of hair are pretty stereotypical — a generalisation but it’s true.
So when the reaction to the new you presents itself to the man in your life and they are shellshocked into blurting out their complete hatred for it, it is, in fact their problem, not yours.
It’s their problem that they didn’t grow up in my house where the gift of how to side step the issue of hair by a seasoned expert (my father) was handed down like one of the commandments.
It’s their fault that their basic understanding of personal choice has not evolved since the 1940s and it’s their fault that they don’t see the uncertainty and self awareness in the eyes of the woman they claim to love, to not take a step back and see her for what and who really is, and not just a hairstyle.
In many cases, when a client comes back because her partner hates her hair, quite often she isn’t sure herself whether she likes it or not.
Maybe we knew that before she left the salon but as hairdressers we are always trying to reveal the true identity of our clients. Experienced stylists will guide clients to that empowerment that a great individual hairstyle will bring.
I remember one stylist —when a client returned with her husbands’ instructions on how he wanted his wife’s hair — telling the client that maybe her husband should come along and supervise. The client responded by saying ‘oh he wouldn’t be seen dead in a ladies hair salon’. The bigger picture, and to a degree the more serious issue is the relationship between a man and a woman’s hair, the controlling aspect of how a man wants his partner to look, rather than loving how she looks is vital to this issue. Of course it’s none of our business what goes between consenting adults but if we are advising a client on what’s good for her hair in terms of condition, style, suitability and personality — but we are being directed or influenced by an outside force — it not only hinders the result but also impacts on the working relationship between the stylist and the client. We obviously encourage the client to address the issue with the partner in terms of how she feels personally but occasionally we feel the need to express in stronger terms that it is actually none of their partner’s business. Of course that is easy for us to say. But when I asked my daughters if they would be unhappy if their boyfriend said that they didn’t like their hair, they both agreed that would be the case.
I asked if it would impact on their relationship and they both agreed that it wouldn’t be a deal breaker but he’d be told to mind his own business.
My youngest said that she’d single out a certain Achilles heel that he was particularly conscious of to keep him in check and when I asked if either of them or their friends would change their hair back because of a boyfriend’s demands or requests, they both vehemently agreed certainly not but mentioned that they knew of friends who had done so much to their own regret.
So he hates your hair, and you loved it at the salon and looked in every window on the way home, you got all the likes on your Instagram post and the love fro m all your friends.
You and your new hair have been validated by the people you love and even the people you didn’t know and you were happy, almost delirious until one person said ‘I hate your hair.’
Hmm. I’ll let you work out yourself who the odd one out is.
Got a hair problem? Leisa are Paul and your here to anwer your queries. Send to features@ questions write to Stafford dailymail.ie or Irish Daily Clinic, Features, Hair Haddington Buildings, Mail, 2 Dublin 4. Haddington Road, Leisa cannot Paul and into individual enter correspondence.
